November 5, 2012


so you would think that having internet would increase the amount of blog posts.......nope. not for me.
ive been really busy lately but ive also been not busy busy at all. time just seems to disapear from me and i can never remember where it went to. ive been in a bit of a depressed funk lately. i dont really know what to call it. i was tired all the time but then i would try to go to bed and wouldnt be able to sleep. insomnia i guessed. i got angry at the littles things. stuff that i normally wouldnt care about. i started working at a job that i did not like with people who were not pleasent. i sat on the couch staring at nothing, thinking of nothing. things that i enjoyed were no longer fun. i would still try and do them anyways just cause thats what i do. i go on pretending nothing is wrong with me until i explode. which i did. before the "boom" i would sit in the shower crying for no reason. i caught myself a few times pulling my hair out. i also was also never hungry. i started to think of it as a new diet but it me feel dizzy at times. i almost passed out at work twice. zombie aimee when on for about a month. i hated feeling this ways. i set myself mini goals like "i will not cry" or "i will not get angry" then one day while i was getting ready for work jon said i looked like i was sad. my goal for the day was not to cry before work. i couldnt hold it in anymore, i just started bawling.
jon said the pressure from the move, being away from family and friend, not really being able to make friends, all of that stuff just really hit me at once. and then to add a job that i hate on top of that? boom. there were other things too, like money, body image, base life etc... it all hit me. boom.
i ended up quitting my job. it was a way to take some of the stress off me although it put more stress on jon. im glad i did it though. i feel like i was treated poorly and was not getting the training i needed. managers would forget i was even there and associates would pass off their work to me. i also probably spent more than i made just to keep up with the strict dress code of clothes that i personally dont even like. so i quit. i knew there was a problem and needed time to fix myself. i did some research and surveys and it all pointed to depression. i have all the symptoms minus thoughts/attempts of suicide. that scared me but in a way it was not suprising. growing up people often asked me things like "whats wrong?" or "are you ok?" alot of times i would blow it off cause they were idiots and they dont know me. one or two times i wanted to give an honest reply but thought they really wouldnt care. anyways... so yeah im depressed but not officially. i dont know if i can say i am without actually going to a doctor. yeah i know i could easily go to one but i dont know.... i just dont like going to the doctor. i also dont like taking pills.
so instead jon talked to people at work and i got invited to some spouse meeting thing where they were gonna talk about upcoming parties and events. i went to it but it was not really helpful. it was older ladies with i think a minimum of two kids each. they were not really friendly either. i introduced my self to everyone when i got there and the only person to show even the slightest interest in me was the i guess leader of the group. it was really clique-ish and i had nothing in common with them. pretty sure im not gonna go again. we went to a halloween party for jons flight but it was mainly a promotion ceremony and a kids festival. he wasnt getting promoted and we dont have kids. there was free food though and i love free stuff! i did get to meet some of the ppl jon works with. they seem pretty cool. at the table we say at there was a young couple their baby who were pretty cool. they like video games and we met up with them later and hung out at their place. cool ppl. unfortunatly for us they are moving i think in january. :( we were also supose to see someones band but we got the dates wrong.... we are trying though!
cooking helps alot. there is something zen like about making cake balls or cukecakes. if i start to get frustrated or sad i go and cook something. i make foods that are so yummy you cant help but eat them! it could kill anybodys diet. i make heathy meals too though. i have perfected my fish recipe!
i am sorta doing better now. hurricane sandy brought some excitement to our life. honestlyi was one of those ppl that was blowing it off. back home i never took the weather seriously cause it would never be as big as expected. it wasnt until like a day or two before that i started to prepare. i figured if the airforce is evacuating planes and warning all the people to get supplied and that power could be out for weeks yadayada, maybe i should get ready. so we did our shopping and filled up on gas. when the storm started, our neighbor came over and stayed with us. hes a cool guy and works with jon. things started to get a bit serious outside so you know what that meant. grab the camara, we are going outside! i made a few videos and posted them to facebook where everyone yelled at me either to get inside or make more videos. :) then our other neighbors invited us over for a hurricane party! in the end we all survived. it was mainly just a bad storm. power did go out for the people who live on dix but not for us on mcguire. honestly i was a little dissapointed. i know i should thank the lord we are safe and with power but i was ready for the adventure. then i thought of all the stuff i bought and was annoyed that i had to return it all. ugghhh! after it was over jon and i plus our neighbor kress went driving around looking for damage which was pretty fun. i was shocked to see that walmart actually closed! the sucky part of the day was that the actual base was closed and we couldnt get to the game stop to get assassins creed 3. oh the horror! we couldnt find any gamestops that were opened. i couldnt help but think that if i were still in texas id be playing it already. sigh...
thankfully sandy didnt ruin my whole week! i went to a job interview at hot topic! it went really well. i sould be hearing back from them by wednesday. that perked me up alot. ive always wanted to work there and now i finally have a chance. i also have an upcoming interview at victorias secret. there goes all my money, lol. atleast it will go to things i like.
jons mommy also came to visit us while on her teaching trip thing! its so nice to actually see a familiar face in person and not on skype. we explored philly for the day. first we got philly cheese steaks then we went walking around the historical buildings. let me just tell you, these ppl are obsessed with ben franklin! then back in jersey we explored the crate & barrel. i had never been in before and now i am in love! got some new glasses and a giant spatula eggs/pancake flipper thingy! we also walked around the mall where hopefully i will be working. then we had a nice dinner. the next day we took her to the farmers market walked around there a bit and had some delicious pizza!
so things have been interesting i guess. i am still working on getting outta this funk and debating on a visit to a doctor. we have started researching churches so hopefully that will help us meet ppl and a place to belong to. jon already kinda has that with the airforce, now i need to find mine.
holidays are coming qiuck so now is not the time for moodyness. not sure what my turkey day plans are yet and christmas is close behind. ive started making a list of gift ideas. giving gifts always puts me in a good mood. warm clothes too since its getting cold out! i much prefer weather where i can wear, pants, boots, scarfs, and cute sweaters than weather that requires shorts and a tank top. the winter wonderland holiday season is my favorite season of the year! :)
now time for some good cheer!

No comments:

Post a Comment