never again

     well to start off, this passed week i was asked 3 different times when my baby was due.

     let me just give you a lil recap of my weight issues. in elementary school i knew i was different than the other girls. i was the tall girl in class; always standing in the back row with the boys on class picture day. my friends were the little girls that were in the front row. being taller than them also meant i was bigger than them weight wise too. the girls would brag about how they weighed 15 pounds less than me...... i had great friends. i don't really remember any complaints i had about my weight in middle school..... i was too busy learning NSYNC dance moves and pretending i was married to Justin timberlake. 9th-11th grade i remember i weighed 130 pounds. at the time i thought i was fat but never really did anything about it. i didn't have a very good self esteem and didn't talk much. people would call me the quiet chick.  junior year i tried out to be a strutter's. (drill team) i made the team and thus started a routine of waking up at 5 am, working out/dancing 24/7, and eating right. i was in great shape my senior year. yeah i had gain 10 pounds, putting me at 140, but i was all muscle. i looked and felt pretty. this one time at the beginning of the year, we were doing some class assignment there the teacher would ask a question, the student would answer and then the student would pick another student. this guy pointed and said "her". not helpful since he was point to a cluster of girls. "the HOT CHICK with the curly hair." I'm sure my face was bright red since i was the only one there with curly hair. nobodies ever said that about me before. that whole year was great. i was getting attention that i had never gotten before....and i liked it! lol! i graduated high school in 2005. finally! no more school! that whole summer all i did (besides work) was hang out with friend and lounge around at the house. now i am very lazy at heart so i stopped working out. during the day id spend hours on the computer and forget to eat. its not like i did it on purpose, i just wasn't hungry and when i realized i was hungry i would eat something. i lost 20 pounds  that summer by just sitting around doing nothing. i weighed 120 pounds! i started dating, my now husband, Jon that summer. (after he saw me in a bikini, lol) i thought i looked great but my family was concerned that i might have an eating disorder and would always urge me to eat. they said i looked better before. to prove to them that i don't have an eating disorder, i ate more. i still wasn't working out and was eating a lot more. in 2008, when Jon and i got married :), i weighed 150 pounds. for a year we lived in okc. living on our own and with a guy who eats all the time, i didn't make good food choices. i gained 30 pounds in about 6 months. since then Ive been struggling with my weight yo-yoing between 170-80 pounds.

     for mothers day i bought my lovely mommy in law this wonderful book on baking different cakes. on Wednesday she made one of the carrot cakes from it. it was so beautiful you could probably gain weight just by looking at it.i had a small piece. it was delicious! the next morning i walked by the cake and paused. i probably stared at that cake for like 10 minutes. i sliced me a big piece then took it to the bath room. i sat in there for another 10 minutes just staring at the cake. i slowly started to eat it till it was gone. i knew it was bad for me and i shouldn't be eating it. i cried.

     that was the worst feeling I've ever felt. i never want to feel like that again! i never want to feel guilty or ashamed of myself again! i refuse.

     i decided i needed to change. Friday morning when i woke up, i felt like a whole new person. the alarm went off at 7 am. just for the record, i purposely set my alarm clock 2 hours early just so i can lie in bed and press the snooze button. (Jon hates it, lol) i did not press the snooze button this time. i got up, got dressed and went to the grocery store. i bought bananas, carrots, tomatoes, grapes, blueberries, nuts, yogurt, pineapple, rice cakes, vitamins, special k, salad, protein bars, etc.... when i got home, after being scolded by the hubby for spending money ;) heehee, i measured out servings of each thing and put them into separate baggies. i then started to dance. i haven't danced in SO long. i used to love it, once upon a time it was an every day thing in my life. oh how i missed it. i cranked up the music and just let go of everything. i probably looked like an idiot (i am a lil rusty) but i didn't care, it felt good. 

     after work that night i discover a web site called spark people. (www.sparkpeople.com) 

its a free site where you can track your weight, nutrition, fitness, and goals. its a community, a support group, and full of health information and motivation. I've only been using the site a few days but its really helping me, especially the food tracker! I've joined various groups on the site and have also made a page for myself. there are a lot of other neat feature on this site i cant even name them all! lol i feel like an advertisement but i really do like this site! :)

     so every morning i take a vitamin, eat 2 bananas, a boiled egg, and a Luna protein bar before my work out. during the day i eat 3 baggies of pre measured food that last me the whole day. one with fruit, one with veggies, and one with dry food like nuts or mini rice cakes. i also have a water bottle that holds about 4 glasses of water. i try to drink about 3 of them a day. (ha ha i have to pee like all the time) for lunch or dinner, depending on where I'm at on my nutrition tacker, ill do a small salad or chicken or cereal. then i might do another work out. ironically my diet has me constantly eating, lol, but its working. i feel great and have lots of energy versus when i would eat maybe only 2 meals a day and slept all the time.

     my work outs vary depending on the amount of time i have and my location. mornings are usually work out videos like gilad or (don't laugh) hip hop abs. if i open at work ill either go to the gym after or if its nice outside ill go for a run. if i close that night ill go to the gym (if its still open) or do another work out video. i will even try to sneak in work outs while I'm at work! walking a lil faster, calf raises, squats while picking things up, wearing heels, lol! on days i have off my choices are endless! I'm really looking forward to when the pool is clean so i can go swimming!!!!

     I've also set up little life changing goals like hooping for 10 minutes a day, no sodas, getting 8 hours of sleep, don't press the snooze button, stretch, save 5$ a day, don't bite my nails, work on some sort of fashion related project, update the blog, clean more, etc...... just things i should be doing that I'm not and little bad habits of mine to work on. :)

ok well thats enough of that, in other news......

in case you havent heard already, I GOT A NEW KITTY!

     his name is CUPID. if you have heard other wise, they are wrong. :) Jon found him at work one night on one of their plant trucks. he said he saw something moving and thought it was a rat. when he got closer he realized it was 2 kittens! we think the mama cat was moving her babys from one spot to the other and they got packed up and sent to home depot. poor mama cat is probably missing her babies.....:( someone else adopted the bigger kitty and we got the lil one. i name him cupid cause he has markings on his back that looks like an arrow. he was 2 weeks when he was found and too little to be away from his mommy so we had to feed and poop him. did you know baby kittens can not "evacuate" on their own? they need to be stimulated.... pretty gross, huh? at first we had to feed him with an eye dropper because he was so small. then he graduated to a kitten bottle. (yes they have special bottles) at first Jon didn't want to keep it and we were just gonna give it away when he was big enough. hahahaha, he should have known that wasn't gonna happen. i did try not to get attached but his cuteness is so overwhelming i couldn't resist! Jon still "claims" he doesnt want him but as you can tell from the picture above, he is lying. ;) oh and i think in past lives cupid was a pirate's parrot and before that a monkey. maybe a rock climber and a rabbit too. he loves to sit on my shoulder even when I'm walking around, he plays like a monkey minus the poo flinging, he climbs anything and everything, and when he runs he does the bunny hop!

     other things you may not have heard, Jon is joining the airforce.

     now this is kind old news but i hadnt posted it on here yet. he got a perfect score on his asvab, did that meps thing and got sworn in. he'll gladly show you his card thingy if you ask him, lol. right now all we are doing is waiting for a job offer. he had gotten offered his number one choice job before but there was a problem with the contract and his color vision test. he had failed it at first and then there was a long period of waiting to retake the vision test. now that thats all fixed and done with we are just waiting for another job to come up. then he will leave me to go to basic for 2 months and then after that tech for 2-6 months depending on his job. then i think after that we get our station. I'm really excited for that part! i for one hope we get to go over seas. i think that would be really neat! I'm just not looking foward to the first part when he'll be gone. :( i'll be soooo bored without my best friend. he really wants this though so i will be supportive any way i can. i an very proud of you Jon! <3

     and now the latest bit of news..... i will be going back to school!

     i will be going part time at dillards so i can take summer classes at nctc. wooooo!!!!!!! I'm actually really excited. i can honestly feel myself getting dumber the longer I'm out of school, lol. i really just want to get my degree, a degree, any degree, lol. ok maybe not ANY but atleast one that would help me in the future like business. i'll probably only take 1 class at first (baby steps) just to get myself re-adjusted to it and then add more later. but yeah....yay school!

     well thats just about it for whats new in my life. Jon is getting cranky cause I'm not spending time with him but this blog post is really important to me, especially the first part. he is very suportive though and i love and apreciate it.

     well until next time guess, lol, i never really know how to end these things...... i just keep talkin and talkin......
     i can say i will be posting more often though so maybe if i talk more i will be able to shut up, lol!

                                                                                                  lots of love aim